Monthly Archives: May 2012

Got F? Lionize Yourself with Fierce Love.

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Love is Fierce. (And self defense is fierce love.)

Lionize yourself. Be the Courage. 

That’s the focus of this post and my spanking new blog aptly titled: Find Your Fierce. In many respects it is the heart and blood-pulse of physical self defense. I mean when nothing else will do but counterattack.

Lionize. It’s rarely discussed. Doubtful that you’ll hear this in any women’s self defense manual– except mine. And you’ll hear it a lot because it houses my F slogans:

Ferocity. Fierce. Female. Fear Into Fire.

Ferocity is an attitude. A force. It not only fills you with determination and strength, but the hidden gift of Ferocity is this: it dissolves inhibition and rallies the will to fight.

For a female (typically smaller with less mass and muscle) this isn’t just some New Age empowerment soundbite- this isn’t faux ferocity— but a vital tool in the arsenal. A weapon that can to be sharpened, cultivated and worn on the inside, which is in itself a deterrent.

Learning to mobilize ferocity in the face of what may otherwise be stultifying FEAR is part of the process of becoming an effective self-defender.

Ferocity is a gift that keeps on giving. Nestled in ferocity lies another primal powerhouse: KILLER INSTINCT. It’s an ugly term I know. I’m in this 26 years and it took me years to come to grips with this word–because it grates against my being– and not couch it in the more palatable language of “Survival Instinct” which it’s connected to. But Killer Instinct is a particular emanation and expression of survival. It’s what allows us to engage and to wield the tools of violence and direct it purposefully in the service of survival. In the service of protecting and preserving life – defending that which we hold sacred.

I’m not advocating this for the purpose of destruction- of course not. (For the record, I escort spiders out of the house prayerfully cupped in hand while uttering benedictions of good wishes under my breath. I’m THAT girl.) Here are the two reasons why I urge women to leverage their killer instinct for self defense.

  1. Because it can fund and drive your fight, allowing you to “bring it” HARD and FAST, delivering an extra dose of AGGRESSIVE whammy powered by the spirit of entering. (In other words: save your pretty ass!) 
  2. Because it can help you assassinate your very own fear. KILLER INSTINCT cuts both ways. There may be times when killing your fear becomes necessary. So that you can, in warrior parlance, take up the spear or do what might otherwise be unfathomable. (“You want me to bash what?”)

There is in every woman this deep-seated domain of ferocity- something of the cave, the primitive exists in us all-– but it’s often buried below fear or conditioning. It needs to be called out of hiding and lured to the fore so that it can be freely tapped, focused and (judiciously) wielded. So that it can embolden our hearts. Once your killer instinct is realized and switched ON, it’s a potential game changer. And there’s this:

For years we lauded our F Spot. (Va va voom!) We now know it’s way more than a mere spot. (HA!) I’m guessing you’ve been there, released that. Now it’s time to release another va-va-voom: The F-Spot. More than a spot. It’s a network housing the means, ways and locales within to free YOUR FIERCE. But before you can coax it out of hiding, release it in full, you must first answer these intimate questions: What is worth fighting for? What is non-negotiable? What do YOU hold sacred? Where do you draw the line? 

The answers to these questions will define your boundaries and arouse Your Fierce.

Make no mistake: It’s a power that’s as spiritual as primal. It’s part of our wholesome female package. The fighting Eros of Life.

Welcome to my new blog.  With more “F’s” to come… 

Talk Dirty To Me— About Women’s Self Defense

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Self defense expert Melissa Soalt talks down and dirty — and makes no apology. (What would be more offensive, she asks, than being attacked?)

Don’t sugarcoat it! That’s my motto when dishing about my favorite topic: fight back self defense.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot. Perhaps it’s because I’ve taken some flak about my choice of words such as “killer instinct” – Can’t you just call it survival instinct? –and my language around clobbering skills and some other colorful phrases like why we need to learn how to “bust shit up.”

The short answer to toning it down? No Fucking Way.

To be clear, I’m talking not talking about self defense lite–meaning insidious tips dished out to women as if we were frail ladies who still go eek at the mousies. (Classic example: Rap on the back of his hands with your knuckles to release yourself from a thug’s meaty 200 pound clutch!) Nonsense!

I’m talking about the low down, dirty means to counterattack when faced with physical or sexual violence. The what it takes to deliver bang-up skills with focused ferocity and no-holds-barred intent to escape an attacker- typically male.
Take IS the operative term: in self defense you take control. TAKE is a commanding “do it” word. It leaves no trace of “May I” in the mouth. I speak of this in my Dharma of Defense, a womanly paradigm I evolved from decades of immersion in the study of self-defense and the female warrior mindset and this– which is central to my teaching: the ability to pull ferocious from fear. Make no mistake: for females, typically lacking the luxury of greater size and strength, FIERCE is an imperative, not an optional au courant term. Nor is Take.
I’m emphatic about this on Gloria Feldt’s Nine Ways Blog :

Effectively resisting attack hinges on women giving themselves permission, without apology, to not only be aggressive… but to take control. Gloria Steinem once remarked that taking is, in itself, empowerment for women. Nowhere is this more true than in fight-back self-defense when NOW may be the only time that matters and you literally have to take charge.

And sometimes you take a piece of whatever you get. Just imagine if we had to ask MAY I? before pummeling an assailant’s face. Or crushing a violent offender’s gonads?

Here’s the deal: The essence of fight back self defense IS raw. Dirty. Elemental. Beyond strategies and techniques, it entails leveraging the killer instinct and tapping female ferocities often buried beneath fear or socialization. It means renegotiating with heart-pounding fear -which we all know can take our breath away.

It’s called down and dirty because learning to fight back takes us into the basement of our being, into a subterranean strata far below the topsoil of the nice lady cammo, the cover girl veneer. And may I be candid? The descent just plain feels good. Here lies a respite from the ubiquitous hum of civility: the meaty thuds, the heated rushes, the bellowing sounds all part of its primitive appeal. It’s a place where female hands whip, fists hammer, forearms smash and legs become battering rams.

Frankly there’s little to compare this to. Learning to physically defend ourselves, to dial up Beast Girl and go primal in defense of our lives returns us to the stuff we’re made of at the core. Feminist anthropologist Michele Rosaldo called this “the image of ourselves undressed”- who we are in prehistory before the artificial constructs of femininity would hem women in; before plastic bosoms and vaginal deodorants; before women’s madness and appetites were pruned back by fear and an encumbering litany of “don’ts.” And fear’s ill effect? A Diminished Self. When you multiply that by the masses of women kept in check by the predominance of fear that’s a lot of shrinkage. So for a female, fighting back is the ultimate reversal. You become the huntress not the hunted, the predator not the prey.

It’s an acquired taste alright but once sampled never forgotten. On the contrary, once you deliver your first crackling blow – you’ll know it when you feel it- or you slam a big guy to the ground it whets the appetite for more. It arouses a hunger for power and to be self-possessed. It whisks us into forbidden zones; unblushing potencies sear into flesh. If this sounds even vaguely akin to another formerly taboo appetite (e.g., illicit sex) … well, that’s true. Or it can be. I admit: slamming as it were, leaves a whole body after-sizzle that often calls me back again and again, cajoling me into instant blow-by-blow as it were replays. So I view this as part of the Life Force, as part of the fighting Eros of life.

There’s no pretty way to say it – nor should there be. Tapping animal instincts and becoming literate in the skills of combat, and the will to judiciously wield force is necessary. And for the record, I’m the girl who escorts spiders out of the house prayerfully cupped in hands, okay? But we need a spirituality that is large enough to house and revere this fearsome potential. 

These are all the more reasons I choose not to make my words more palatable or love and lighty.

It isn’t just the owning of female force that is liberating and potentially lifesaving, but the language of combat is also freeing. Language is powerful. I want its unmodified phrases –explode into a target; close on an enemy; attack the head– to burn into consciousness. I want these skills to not only be second nature– at home in the female psyche, soma, and soul–but also second language. Because one day this unvarnished talk, its foul-mouthed imperatives could save your life.

Yet we still see it today. We all know women if not ourselves who at one time or another have been overly, unduly concerned with not wanting to hurt or offend another’s feelings. In the context of sexual violence and female vulnerability, this nice lady mannerism, its pleasing parlance has potentially dangerous consequences. It might manifest as–I didn’t want to hurt his feelings or appear like a bitch so I said, okay one more (drink / date/ fill in the blank) when perhaps that woman might have been better off being impolite, disobedient or forcefully conveying: NO. FUCKING. WAY.

Self defense means giving yourself permission to do what might otherwise be unthinkable. This also means giving yourself permission to say it straight, to speak your mind. And when it comes to fighting back, to proclaim language that might otherwise be repugnant.

Or Dirty.

Which spirals me back to the point of this blog: Ladies, it’s time to get F’d!

F as in Fierce. As in freeing your fear. As in Fighting Heart. And in the most dire of straits, say, mortal danger or if you’re about to be raped, you might just need to – are you ready? you coming with me? — fuck someone up.

 

There. We said it. Now that’s powerful.

 

Does Size Matter?

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…OF COURSE SIZE MATTERS! (Well… Read On…)  

From my FAQ Page: What about the size issue? Lay it on us, Dr. Ruthless. Does size matter?

Yes…and No. First, the yes: Face it ladies, of course size matters! No bull. The average male will likely have more strength, mass and lung capacity than most females. Heck, a big dude can kill you by accident. Being overpowered is always a potential reality.

And this is precisely what dictates our need for smart strategies and techniques, and for unorthodox and EXPLOSIVE tactics that capitalize on our strengths: speed, agility, surprise, cunning, a lower center of gravity (excellent for balance, throws, and maintaining a solid base), good intuition, and powerful emotional reserves that can transform petite women into formidable fighters. We don’t have the privilege of being sloppy or dicking around. We need to get in, get to it, free ourselves and get out. It’s a biological imperative that females need to be SKILLED AND NASTY in self defense.

So ultimately, No. It’s not about size. Self defense is not a contest of strength—it’s a matter of survival. Raw will and determination are just as important as skill. Case in point: when a psycho / would be rapist attacked my slender friend in her home one night (He was disguised as her kitchen trash bag! He then leapt up and attacked, knocking her to the floor), her spindly legs aided by adrenaline morphed into battering rams. Her  savage kicks and screams, fueled by terror, worked–her attacker fled out her window. On the other side of the “it’s not the size” spectrum, in 2006, a heavyset (technically obese) 51 year-old woman in Portland, Oregon fought off and killed her weapon-wielding attacker /home invader with her bare hands, leaving him heaped on her floor—choked to death. These accounts, not Hollywood stunts, are but two examples of real self-defense.

That said, you want to sharpen every edge. This is why my teaching advocates EXPLOSIVE no-nonsense opening moves and the element of surprise, and why you must come to know your killer instinct intimately – the way a woman knows her heart, her sex and her soul. Owning this facet of your human potential IS in itself a deterrent. If you don’t think you have it in you, now would be a good time to smack that thought out of your head! 

Here is what anthropologist Margaret Mead has observed about our ladylike kind: “When women disengage from their traditional role they become more ruthless and savage than men. Men will fight to show off their prowess and impress females, but when women fight, it is fierce and to the death…They display no built-in chivalry.”

While this may not always be the case, consider Mead’s quote an affirmative goal. At its biological core, the imperative for us smaller females to be “ruthless” in defense of our lives and our loved ones may also be tied into the maternal instinct housed in our primitive brain along with our survival instinct. At its peak, the maternal and killer instincts come together, giving us girls a double dose of whammy.