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Dr. Ruthless: Shouting It Out For the Media!

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Attention Media– if you want a fresh voice in women’s self defense call me!

Schooling women in ancient skills, attitudes, and warrior wisdom since 1986!   

From no-nonsense fight-back skills to the inner tools and emotional dimensions of self defense; from the larger issues of violence against women to controversial topics such as why women must embrace (not shun) their killer instinct. I can address it all with intelligence and panache. Le’ts shout it out!

Press Release Below–followed by additional talking points. 

Discovering the Dr. Ruthless Difference:

“It’s Not The Size of the Woman in Fight, It’s the Size of the Fight in the Woman”

AMHERST, MA – You know Melissa Soalt (AKA “Dr. Ruthless”) as the go-to expert on self defense from THE VIEW, NBC Nightly News, Huffington Post, Self, Marie Claire, The Wall Street Journal, CosmoGirl, BUST and more, where she’s shared her expertise with countless women via her no-nonsense “Dharma of Defense” – a brand she evolved from decades of immersion in the study of self defense and the female warrior mindset. Now, Soalt takes us deeper into the primal ferocity zone – a place, she says, all women need to be to recover the lost skill of “pulling ferocious from fear.”  It could save your life!

“Female socialization – ‘nice lady behavior’ – actually puts you more at risk with aggressors and criminals,” says Soalt in her blog at Forbes.com, “Being Nice Can Kill You.” Soalt points out that successful fight-back self defense often hinges upon the unspoken truth that far beyond technique, women must harness their “inner ferocity” and “maximum yang” powers if they are to effectively fend off assailants. And this is vital: When nothing else will do but counterattack, women must be ready to spring into action, using their bodies and whatever tools they have at their disposal but most importantly understanding this nugget of warrior wisdom: Regardless of technique, you ARE the weapon, the delivery system! All women have the innate capacity to be dangerous defenders, says Soalt, but in many ways this goes against social mores and traditional female mandates.” See below for the full blog entry and to learn more about “The Dr. Ruthless Difference:

http://www.forbes.com/sites/shenegotiates/2012/06/21/being-nice-can-kill-you/.

Soalt also makes a splash this summer with her latest appearance on Investigation Discovery’s “Dates From Hell,” in an episode focusing on a remarkable rape-escape, set to air July 11th, 10 p.m. EST. http://investigation.discovery.com/tv/dates-from-hell/episodes/ Here, Soalt not only imparts smart fighting strategies but addresses the classic predatory mindset and tactics of a would-be rapist, gives behavior clues that often precede a violent attack which should never be ignored and discusses the stages of an attack. “Teaching women the innate skills to manage fear and adrenalin, and harness their terror, is as important as teaching women to tap into their warrior selves,” she reiterates.

Never one to shy away from bold statements, Soalt is a triple threat – an award winning self defense expert, a former psychotherapist and a Black Belt Hall of Fame recipient. Her message and method of reducing risk, of practical and forceful strategies that work regardless of a women’s size and her proven tips and how to’s have been hailed by law enforcement, street fighters and feminists alike.

Here’s a smattering of the buzz surrounding Soalt:

  • “Every once in a while someone comes along and not only leaves an indelible impression on you, but also changes the way you perceive yourself and your place in the world. Women’s self defense expert Melissa Soalt is one such person… Dr. Ruthless has a lot to offer the world.”   Black Belt Magazine

  • “If you’re Melissa Soalt aka Dr. Ruthless you preach the gospel of low-down, dirty, eye-gouging, groin-crushing, go-for-the-throat self-defense tactics for women. You take your 25 years of training and combine it with your insights as a former psychotherapist. You come up with a potent message to women that constant fear is a crippler, and that you can learn how to fight like a warrior– or a mad dog– always keeping in mind that fleeing, if possible, is your best defense.” Politics Daily (now part of Huffington Post Media.) 

  • “Dr. Ruthless KICKS ASS!” BUST Magazine  

Here is a sampling of lifesaving info that Soalt can share with your audience:

  • Practical assault deterring methods and explosive fight-back skills to facilitate escape, capitalizing on the body’s fight and flight response and minimizing freeze or panic.
  • How to morph your body into a decisive weapon and weaponize! How to use the environment and handy objects. Soalt’s formula: “Whaddya got?”
  • Resist or submit–what the data shows and Soalt’s decades of perspective
  • Use ALL the feminine wiles…where to put your focus, how to collect yourself inside and how to use trickery and deception to create openings and opportunities
  • Occupy your hips! Learn to generate maximum power from that part of the body we love to loathe!
  • Lay it on us, Dr. Ruthless. Does size matter? Yes…and no! Fight “smart” and use your strengths against vulnerabilities. Ask Soalt how!

In addition to her expertise Soalt is also a woman who has fended off attack with stories to share. For more information on Soalt, including media appearances, seminar offerings and her Fierce & Female DVD, please visit: http://www.dr-ruthless.com/index.php

ADDITIONAL TALKING POINTS:

First lines of defense. The nuts and bolts” — from danger recognition to body language,  boundary setting, and verbal skills to how lowering your center of gravity IS a deterrent.

Fight back and RAPE DEFENSE skills— attacks against women happen at intimate “hot breath on your face” range. To counterattack and counter the terror we need explosive gross-motor “in-fighting” tools. I’ll share practical moves, addressing PRIME targets and  WEAPONS for stand-up, pin and rape-specific positions. The goal is to disable and escape. (Did you know: the EARS make great handles and targets….More!)

The emotional and mind-setting skills to manage FEAR and remain focused in the MOMENT OF TRUTH when adrenaline and emotions flood your system, potentially producing panic. Seconds count– be there!

Clear the path: Why you MUST overcome the fear of injury and reconcile spiritual and moral conflicts in order to effectively go primal in self defense. Decide in advance: What is worth fighting for? What is uncompromising and non-negotiable? Where do YOU draw that line?

How and why FEROCITY is a superpower.

Understanding predatory tactics and progressive stages of attack. Predators are masters of deception. I can highlight specific behaviors and address “testing” and indicators that typically precede attack. Once a sexual predator gains a woman’s trust and  measure of calculated control, he will “close the deal” by using his greater size, strength, and displays of aggression- in essence, TERROR TACTICS– to gain compliance and control. These stages can happen in one night, or over weeks or months.

How to USE  the environment in self defense— beyond “get your keys or a pen in your hand” there are myriad ways to use walls, counter tops, surfaces and furnishings in your defense – as shields, weapons and barriers. Own your world!

Controversy! How facets of Pollyannaish New Ageism con-conspires in the pacification of women furthering the disconnect from our baser survival selves.

Dr. Ruthless can also address special-focus groups: from tweener and teen safety to female journalist training in sexual assault prevention- a topic she has been cited on- to deeper cultural dialogue around the FEMALE use of violent force and why the learning of radical self defense is NOT victim blaming, but a vital yet often overlooked tool in combating violence against women.

 

 

 

Five Fierce Rules For Fight-Back Self Defense

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Let’s Call it What It Is– EMERGENCY Last Resort Self Defense 

By last resort, I mean that risk reduction, assault deterring, boundary setting and repelling strategies naturally come first. Now log this tip: To greatly reduce your risks, you must deny two things: PRIVACY & CONTROL.

Translation? As much as realistically possible, don’t allow yourself to become isolated with a would-be attacker/ victimizer/ criminal or predator. (TRUST YOUR GUT HERE!) And do not allow “them” to control your behavior- in other words to lead you where you do NOT want to go or otherwise manipulate your movements against your will.

Remember: Do NOT allow a criminal or would-be rapist to force you into a vehicle or otherwise move your from crime scene A to crime scene B. It will always be to a far more isolated location where it will be more difficult to attract attention or breakaway. This includes NOT allowing an assailant or thug to forcibly move you from the visible jogging trail seen by passing motorists and others into the more desolate woods. Or from the parking lot and front of the building to the remote back of the building. This all constitutes forcible movement from one place to another.

So you may have to go physical with whatever skills you have in order to free yourself.

Even with the best of risk reduction and prevention strategies, it happens – so here’s FIVE basic rules if you must fight back. 

1) Explode and penetrate into your target, do not just give a smack. Explode like a bullet directly into your target, not like a firecracker dispersing energy in all directions at once. 

(2) Technique AND fighting spirit count, so tap and funnel raw animal ferocity.

(3) Focus. Focus. Focus. FORCE it if you must but do not allow your mind to splinter, waver or freeze. Breathing helps!

(4) YELL! It oxygenates the tissues, rallies the fighting spirit and can add as much as 33 % more power to your moves.

(5) OWN you world and use your environment. From utilizing walls and counter-tops to shove off of or slam (him) into, to using blunt and pointy objects as weapons, to wielding trash cans and furniture as shields and barriers. My motto? “WHADDYA GOT?”

When it’s GO TIME, get fierce!  And get cracking!

“Being Nice Can Kill You”– I’m on Forbes.com!

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I’m honored and delighted to have a guest blog on Forbes Woman.
More specifically on Victoria Pynchon’s Blog “She Negotiates.”  (Note: the editors took out the cusses and substituted other words. My fave substitution? FORK HIM UP!)

TITLE:  BEING NICE CAN KILL YOU  

Don’t sugarcoat it! That’s my motto when dishing about my favorite topic of 26 years – fight-back self defense.

Recently I’ve taken some flak about my choice of words like “killer instinct” – Can’t you just call it survival instinct? –and my language around clobbering skills and some other colorful phrases like why we need to learn how to “bust stuff up.” Except we wouldn’t be using the word stuff.

The short answer to toning it down?

No F’ing Way.

To be clear, I’m not talking about self defense lite—those insidious tips dished out to women as if we were frail ladies who still go eek at the sight of a mouse. A classic example of this bad advice is to rap your knuckles on the back of an attacker’s hands to release yourself from a thug’s meaty 200 pound clutch.

Not gonna work.

I’m talking about the low down, dirty ways to counterattack when faced with physical or sexual violence I’m talking about what it takes to focus your ferocity and explode in a no-holds-barred attack to escape your assailant who is typically male.

Take is the operative term

In self defense you learn to take control.

Take is a commanding “do it” word. It leaves no trace of May I in your mouth.

I teach this attitude in my Dharma of Defense, a fierce female paradigm that evolved from decades of immersion in the study of self defense and the female warrior mindset. Central to my teaching is an ancient skill: the ability to pull ferocious from fear—to harness the furies that lie in fear’s wake.

Make no mistake: for women, typically lacking the luxury of greater size and strength, fierce is an imperative not an option.

The same is true for take.

I’m emphatic about this on Gloria Feldt’s Nine Ways Blog.

Effectively resisting attack hinges on women giving themselves permission, without apology, to not only be aggressive… but to take control. Gloria Steinem once remarked that taking – in and of itself – is empowerment for women. Nowhere is this more true than in fight-back self-defense when now may be the only time you have to save your life…

The essence of fight-back self defense is raw.

Elemental. Beyond strategies and moves, it requires women to leverage their killer instincts and tap primal powers often buried beneath fear and female socialization.

It means renegotiating who you can be with your heart pounding in fear. A fear that we all know can paralyze us as easily as it can propel us into action.

Fierce self defense is fierce self love- down and dirty style. Learning to ferociously fight, to dial up Beast Girl and fend for ourselves, takes us into the basement of our being, into a lower center of gravity far below the topsoil of the nice lady camouflage, the cover-girl veneer.

It arouses capacities born in the fires of love, fury, and survival instinct.

Scary?

Maybe …Yes.

But arriving into this heat also feels good. Here lies a respite from the ubiquitous hum of civility: Female hands whip, fists hammer, legs become battering rams. We learn and remember that our bodies can be weapons. That talk and empathy are not always saving graces. That trembling emotions of terror and rage often fund our greatest battles. That we too can be dangerous. Priceless.

There’s little to compare this to: Learning to go primal returns us to a more formidable self.

Feminist anthropologist Michele Rosaldo called thisthe image of ourselves undressed – who we are in prehistory before the artificial constructs of femininity hemmed women in; before plastic bosoms and vaginal deodorants; before our madness and appetites were pruned back by fear and a litany of don’ts.

Do you need to ask about fear’s ill effect?

It is a Diminished Self.

When you multiply that by the masses of women kept in check by threats of force, deprivation, or violence that’s a lot of shrinkage. So for women, fighting back is the ultimate reversal. We become the huntress not the hunted, the predator not the prey.

Oh sure, it’s an acquired taste but once sampled never forgotten. Once you deliver your first crackling blow (in training I mean) or you slam a big guy to the ground it whets the appetite for more. It arouses a hunger for power and self-possession. It whisks us into forbidden zones; unblushing potencies sear into flesh.

If that sounds vaguely akin to another formerly-taboo appetite – sex – you’re on the right page. I view this as part of the Life Force — the fighting Eros of life.

And here’s the bottom line: Fighting back works! 

 

Studies corroborate that forceful resistance strategies are an effective means of stopping rape and sexual assault. Resistance training isn’t the solution to violence against women—such thinking would be victim-blaming and gravely insulting—nor is it always a best or viable option. But it is a vital tool in our arsenal.

Embodying the female warrior spirit is also a curative tonic, mitigating the ills and indignities imposed by fear.

There’s no pretty way to say it—nor should there be. Becoming literate in the skills of “combat” is necessary.

And for the record, I’m the girl who escorts spiders out of the house prayerfully cupped in hands, okay But we need a spirituality that is large enough to house and revere our fearsome potential.

It isn’t just the owning of force that is liberating and potentially lifesaving, but the language of combat is equally decisive.

I want its unmodified fighting phrases – explode into a target; close the distance on an enemy — to be at home in the female psyche and consciousness. I want these skills to be second nature to women’s bodies. I also want them to be a second language. Because one day this unvarnished talk, its foul-mouthed imperatives could save your life.

We all know women, if not ourselves, who at one time or another have been overly, unduly concerned with our gendered obligation to avoid offense in word or deed.

In the context of sexual violence and female vulnerability, the “nice lady” mannerisms – their pleasing parlance – have dangerous consequences.

They often manifest like this – I didn’t want to hurt his feelings or appear like a bitch so I said, okay one more (drink / date/ fill in the blank) when the appropriate protective response might have been impolite, disobedient or downright forceful.

No. F ‘ing Way. 

Self defense means giving yourself permission to do what might otherwise be unthinkable. It also means giving yourself permission to say it straight, to speak your mind. And when it comes to fighting back, to proclaim the negative in language that many women find repugnant.

Or Dirty.

Which spirals me back to my point.

Ladies, it’s time to get F’d! F as in Fierce.

F as in freeing yourself from fear. As in Fighting Heart. And in the most dire of straits—say, mortal danger or sexual assault – you might just need to – are you ready? fork someone up. We just wouldn’t be using the word fork.

It’s a power word. Don’t be afraid to use it.

Melissa Soalt aka Dr. Ruthless is an award winning women’s self defense expert and former psychotherapist with Fierce & Female DVD’s. You can visit her here and on her Facebook page here. Melissa has been featured in national and international media and is at work on her first book.

Girl Power – No Flattery Needed

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Go ahead. Take my arm fool!  And oh by the way, I ain’t your “baby.” 


That’s right. Get cracking. I’m not talking about patty-cake.   

First, I’m talking to YOU pop-culture media moguls.

If popular culture spent more of its capital helping girls view their bodies as allies (not enemies) and as instruments of power, and less focus on their young bodies as ‘eye candy’ or for the scoring of flattery, girls would suffer far LESS body angst and be far MORE prepared for self defending without self consciousness.

THE INSIDIOUS DECEPTION: Receiving flattery and body-focused attention in pop culture is pretty much always positive and desirable, but in reality of course its also potentially a telltale sign of inappropriate or predatory behavior or opportunistic intent. It greases the machinery.

THE REALITY: The tweener age (and young teen-age) is when girls are most vulnerable. This border town between girlhood and young womanhood is a turbulent time, fraught with come-hither pulls and peer-pressure pushes that all too easily take girls away from their SELF center, taking them off their spunkier girlhood base of power.

Border towns can be like jungles– chaotic and exotic, bursting with lookee here, lookee there stimulus, replete with shiny lures, intoxicants of all kinds and tempting grown-up attractions. Tweener-ville (located on every map) is a time and place where pumped dates often want to “score,” where predators prowl and hunt for prey, and where peddlers hawk shiny wares– often as pretext. Even in upscale tweener-villes, predators and opportunists of all ages would like nothing more than to take advantage: to shower your girl /your daughter with attention using flattery as bait, as a means to lower her guard, gain proximity and worm their way inside her skin– her bubble so to speak–and to gain entry into her personal intimate space. And maybe her attire.

This phishing and worming doesn’t just happen online, it also happens on the ground.

Did you know: the highest reported rape rates are of girls between the ages of 12 – 18? 

I’m not saying that popular culture is evil or should shoulder all the blame. That would not be fair or accurate. We all have responsibility – whether we’re parents or not – to help girls navigate the wilds of young womanhood and to provide guidance, mentorship and support.

The cure: Teach and reward girls for being self possessed. To help girls stay balanced amidst the turbulent waters of budding womanhood, we need to encourage and   drill self respect and self possession, replete with healthy self-centeredness and body ownership. It’s incumbent upon us to help girls nurture and sustain a positive connection to their bodies as sources of strength and power and to hold their own passionate life force.

We also need to empower girls with THE LANGUAGE OF BOUNDARIES – and the physical, spatial and body-based knowledge to set and defend their boundaries.

You probably know what else I’m thinking: Breakaway and emergency self defense methods.  

More and more girls today ARE doin’ it for themselves — that’s the good news. But to help make the tipping point happen, we ALL need to get on board and get cracking! 

(Illustrations by Miriam Anzovin. No copy. All rights reserved.)

Mother Flees Thug Leaving Her Child Behind. Could This Be YOU?

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This caught-on-camera video clip of woman fleeing a knife-wielding robber/ street thug sparked huge outrage and dialogue. The reason? She instantly fled but left her four year old daughter behind with the criminal. Some seconds later she returns and we see her then fighting with her attacker at the door to the market where she seeks help and safety.

Most who commented are irate- nasty curses aside it boils down to this:

How could a mother abandon her own child in this way?

But here’s the other TABOO question: Could I / you have done that? Could one’s own self preservation and FLIGHT imperative override the maternal instinct? If you’re not prepared with self defense and survival options might YOU do this in spite of your thinking?

Short answer: YES.

I’m not saying I condone her actions – of course not. She left her young with a criminal who could just as easily have killed the girl out of rage or held the child hostage to get to the MOM. Plus that child now lives with the memory that her Mother abandoned her at a life-and-death moment. But what I’m saying is this:

Crazy, dissonant and unexpected shit happens when people are unprepared and the adrenaline and survival instincts, compounded by terror, kick in. And it’s not always the “warrior” response we’d like to think.

Certainly there are options she could have exercised (and women often do) including giving up the purse- “Here take my money!!” A technique I call “Throw The Dog A Bone” and run with daughter in hand. Or she might have used the handbag as a weapon to bash his face or bash his knife-hand to create a distraction while then running with daughter. (Note: the criminal does not actually attack at first but rather threatens from a distance which is not uncommon as a set-up to gain compliance and control.)

There is NO cookie cutter answer- nor substitute for good judgment in the moment.

So here’s what I say: The clip speaks – at the VERY LEAST — to the fact that without preparation and options, this could be many people. And that’s plenty good reasons to acquire and “cook in” skills and knowledge. Because in that blistering moment, thinking can be sketchy at best. Instinctive is the name of the game.

Women as a culture are also far more conditioned as prey- which is precisely how she appears as she runs away. In watching this clip I observe the common disconnect from “The Fierce Female” – the ability to TAKE control, renegotiate with fear, and to bring all our protective powers to bear. In other words to choose action and not default to a conditioned “prey” response.

I post lots of stories of women with NO PRIOR SELF DEFENSE TRAINING on my Dr Ruthless Face Book page. Women who save themselves and their kin. Women ARE generally fierce protectors of their young– which is why this appeared so shocking and repugnant to all who cursed this woman up and down.

But enough about my thoughts. I would love to hear your response–be they gut feelings or from your experience.

Got F? Lionize Yourself with Fierce Love.

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Love is Fierce. (And self defense is fierce love.)

Lionize yourself. Be the Courage. 

That’s the focus of this post and my spanking new blog aptly titled: Find Your Fierce. In many respects it is the heart and blood-pulse of physical self defense. I mean when nothing else will do but counterattack.

Lionize. It’s rarely discussed. Doubtful that you’ll hear this in any women’s self defense manual– except mine. And you’ll hear it a lot because it houses my F slogans:

Ferocity. Fierce. Female. Fear Into Fire.

Ferocity is an attitude. A force. It not only fills you with determination and strength, but the hidden gift of Ferocity is this: it dissolves inhibition and rallies the will to fight.

For a female (typically smaller with less mass and muscle) this isn’t just some New Age empowerment soundbite- this isn’t faux ferocity— but a vital tool in the arsenal. A weapon that can to be sharpened, cultivated and worn on the inside, which is in itself a deterrent.

Learning to mobilize ferocity in the face of what may otherwise be stultifying FEAR is part of the process of becoming an effective self-defender.

Ferocity is a gift that keeps on giving. Nestled in ferocity lies another primal powerhouse: KILLER INSTINCT. It’s an ugly term I know. I’m in this 26 years and it took me years to come to grips with this word–because it grates against my being– and not couch it in the more palatable language of “Survival Instinct” which it’s connected to. But Killer Instinct is a particular emanation and expression of survival. It’s what allows us to engage and to wield the tools of violence and direct it purposefully in the service of survival. In the service of protecting and preserving life – defending that which we hold sacred.

I’m not advocating this for the purpose of destruction- of course not. (For the record, I escort spiders out of the house prayerfully cupped in hand while uttering benedictions of good wishes under my breath. I’m THAT girl.) Here are the two reasons why I urge women to leverage their killer instinct for self defense.

  1. Because it can fund and drive your fight, allowing you to “bring it” HARD and FAST, delivering an extra dose of AGGRESSIVE whammy powered by the spirit of entering. (In other words: save your pretty ass!) 
  2. Because it can help you assassinate your very own fear. KILLER INSTINCT cuts both ways. There may be times when killing your fear becomes necessary. So that you can, in warrior parlance, take up the spear or do what might otherwise be unfathomable. (“You want me to bash what?”)

There is in every woman this deep-seated domain of ferocity- something of the cave, the primitive exists in us all-– but it’s often buried below fear or conditioning. It needs to be called out of hiding and lured to the fore so that it can be freely tapped, focused and (judiciously) wielded. So that it can embolden our hearts. Once your killer instinct is realized and switched ON, it’s a potential game changer. And there’s this:

For years we lauded our F Spot. (Va va voom!) We now know it’s way more than a mere spot. (HA!) I’m guessing you’ve been there, released that. Now it’s time to release another va-va-voom: The F-Spot. More than a spot. It’s a network housing the means, ways and locales within to free YOUR FIERCE. But before you can coax it out of hiding, release it in full, you must first answer these intimate questions: What is worth fighting for? What is non-negotiable? What do YOU hold sacred? Where do you draw the line? 

The answers to these questions will define your boundaries and arouse Your Fierce.

Make no mistake: It’s a power that’s as spiritual as primal. It’s part of our wholesome female package. The fighting Eros of Life.

Welcome to my new blog.  With more “F’s” to come… 

Talk Dirty To Me— About Women’s Self Defense

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Self defense expert Melissa Soalt talks down and dirty — and makes no apology. (What would be more offensive, she asks, than being attacked?)

Don’t sugarcoat it! That’s my motto when dishing about my favorite topic: fight back self defense.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot. Perhaps it’s because I’ve taken some flak about my choice of words such as “killer instinct” – Can’t you just call it survival instinct? –and my language around clobbering skills and some other colorful phrases like why we need to learn how to “bust shit up.”

The short answer to toning it down? No Fucking Way.

To be clear, I’m talking not talking about self defense lite–meaning insidious tips dished out to women as if we were frail ladies who still go eek at the mousies. (Classic example: Rap on the back of his hands with your knuckles to release yourself from a thug’s meaty 200 pound clutch!) Nonsense!

I’m talking about the low down, dirty means to counterattack when faced with physical or sexual violence. The what it takes to deliver bang-up skills with focused ferocity and no-holds-barred intent to escape an attacker- typically male.
Take IS the operative term: in self defense you take control. TAKE is a commanding “do it” word. It leaves no trace of “May I” in the mouth. I speak of this in my Dharma of Defense, a womanly paradigm I evolved from decades of immersion in the study of self-defense and the female warrior mindset and this– which is central to my teaching: the ability to pull ferocious from fear. Make no mistake: for females, typically lacking the luxury of greater size and strength, FIERCE is an imperative, not an optional au courant term. Nor is Take.
I’m emphatic about this on Gloria Feldt’s Nine Ways Blog :

Effectively resisting attack hinges on women giving themselves permission, without apology, to not only be aggressive… but to take control. Gloria Steinem once remarked that taking is, in itself, empowerment for women. Nowhere is this more true than in fight-back self-defense when NOW may be the only time that matters and you literally have to take charge.

And sometimes you take a piece of whatever you get. Just imagine if we had to ask MAY I? before pummeling an assailant’s face. Or crushing a violent offender’s gonads?

Here’s the deal: The essence of fight back self defense IS raw. Dirty. Elemental. Beyond strategies and techniques, it entails leveraging the killer instinct and tapping female ferocities often buried beneath fear or socialization. It means renegotiating with heart-pounding fear -which we all know can take our breath away.

It’s called down and dirty because learning to fight back takes us into the basement of our being, into a subterranean strata far below the topsoil of the nice lady cammo, the cover girl veneer. And may I be candid? The descent just plain feels good. Here lies a respite from the ubiquitous hum of civility: the meaty thuds, the heated rushes, the bellowing sounds all part of its primitive appeal. It’s a place where female hands whip, fists hammer, forearms smash and legs become battering rams.

Frankly there’s little to compare this to. Learning to physically defend ourselves, to dial up Beast Girl and go primal in defense of our lives returns us to the stuff we’re made of at the core. Feminist anthropologist Michele Rosaldo called this “the image of ourselves undressed”- who we are in prehistory before the artificial constructs of femininity would hem women in; before plastic bosoms and vaginal deodorants; before women’s madness and appetites were pruned back by fear and an encumbering litany of “don’ts.” And fear’s ill effect? A Diminished Self. When you multiply that by the masses of women kept in check by the predominance of fear that’s a lot of shrinkage. So for a female, fighting back is the ultimate reversal. You become the huntress not the hunted, the predator not the prey.

It’s an acquired taste alright but once sampled never forgotten. On the contrary, once you deliver your first crackling blow – you’ll know it when you feel it- or you slam a big guy to the ground it whets the appetite for more. It arouses a hunger for power and to be self-possessed. It whisks us into forbidden zones; unblushing potencies sear into flesh. If this sounds even vaguely akin to another formerly taboo appetite (e.g., illicit sex) … well, that’s true. Or it can be. I admit: slamming as it were, leaves a whole body after-sizzle that often calls me back again and again, cajoling me into instant blow-by-blow as it were replays. So I view this as part of the Life Force, as part of the fighting Eros of life.

There’s no pretty way to say it – nor should there be. Tapping animal instincts and becoming literate in the skills of combat, and the will to judiciously wield force is necessary. And for the record, I’m the girl who escorts spiders out of the house prayerfully cupped in hands, okay? But we need a spirituality that is large enough to house and revere this fearsome potential. 

These are all the more reasons I choose not to make my words more palatable or love and lighty.

It isn’t just the owning of female force that is liberating and potentially lifesaving, but the language of combat is also freeing. Language is powerful. I want its unmodified phrases –explode into a target; close on an enemy; attack the head– to burn into consciousness. I want these skills to not only be second nature– at home in the female psyche, soma, and soul–but also second language. Because one day this unvarnished talk, its foul-mouthed imperatives could save your life.

Yet we still see it today. We all know women if not ourselves who at one time or another have been overly, unduly concerned with not wanting to hurt or offend another’s feelings. In the context of sexual violence and female vulnerability, this nice lady mannerism, its pleasing parlance has potentially dangerous consequences. It might manifest as–I didn’t want to hurt his feelings or appear like a bitch so I said, okay one more (drink / date/ fill in the blank) when perhaps that woman might have been better off being impolite, disobedient or forcefully conveying: NO. FUCKING. WAY.

Self defense means giving yourself permission to do what might otherwise be unthinkable. This also means giving yourself permission to say it straight, to speak your mind. And when it comes to fighting back, to proclaim language that might otherwise be repugnant.

Or Dirty.

Which spirals me back to the point of this blog: Ladies, it’s time to get F’d!

F as in Fierce. As in freeing your fear. As in Fighting Heart. And in the most dire of straits, say, mortal danger or if you’re about to be raped, you might just need to – are you ready? you coming with me? — fuck someone up.

 

There. We said it. Now that’s powerful.

 

Does Size Matter?

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…OF COURSE SIZE MATTERS! (Well… Read On…)  

From my FAQ Page: What about the size issue? Lay it on us, Dr. Ruthless. Does size matter?

Yes…and No. First, the yes: Face it ladies, of course size matters! No bull. The average male will likely have more strength, mass and lung capacity than most females. Heck, a big dude can kill you by accident. Being overpowered is always a potential reality.

And this is precisely what dictates our need for smart strategies and techniques, and for unorthodox and EXPLOSIVE tactics that capitalize on our strengths: speed, agility, surprise, cunning, a lower center of gravity (excellent for balance, throws, and maintaining a solid base), good intuition, and powerful emotional reserves that can transform petite women into formidable fighters. We don’t have the privilege of being sloppy or dicking around. We need to get in, get to it, free ourselves and get out. It’s a biological imperative that females need to be SKILLED AND NASTY in self defense.

So ultimately, No. It’s not about size. Self defense is not a contest of strength—it’s a matter of survival. Raw will and determination are just as important as skill. Case in point: when a psycho / would be rapist attacked my slender friend in her home one night (He was disguised as her kitchen trash bag! He then leapt up and attacked, knocking her to the floor), her spindly legs aided by adrenaline morphed into battering rams. Her  savage kicks and screams, fueled by terror, worked–her attacker fled out her window. On the other side of the “it’s not the size” spectrum, in 2006, a heavyset (technically obese) 51 year-old woman in Portland, Oregon fought off and killed her weapon-wielding attacker /home invader with her bare hands, leaving him heaped on her floor—choked to death. These accounts, not Hollywood stunts, are but two examples of real self-defense.

That said, you want to sharpen every edge. This is why my teaching advocates EXPLOSIVE no-nonsense opening moves and the element of surprise, and why you must come to know your killer instinct intimately – the way a woman knows her heart, her sex and her soul. Owning this facet of your human potential IS in itself a deterrent. If you don’t think you have it in you, now would be a good time to smack that thought out of your head! 

Here is what anthropologist Margaret Mead has observed about our ladylike kind: “When women disengage from their traditional role they become more ruthless and savage than men. Men will fight to show off their prowess and impress females, but when women fight, it is fierce and to the death…They display no built-in chivalry.”

While this may not always be the case, consider Mead’s quote an affirmative goal. At its biological core, the imperative for us smaller females to be “ruthless” in defense of our lives and our loved ones may also be tied into the maternal instinct housed in our primitive brain along with our survival instinct. At its peak, the maternal and killer instincts come together, giving us girls a double dose of whammy.